My Gatorade Attacked Me And All I Got Was… the thirst quenching of a lifetime?

I just want to ask the folks who do the marketing for Gatorade to stop coming up with beverage names that border on being downright threatening.

No, really.

I went into the refrigerator to look for something to drink just now, and way in the back I noticed a bottle of something I’d never seen before. I was pretty sure I didn’t want it, because it was blueish purple, and I’m not aware of anything that color that I’d want to ingest, but I wanted to know what it was, anyway. I noticed it had a Gatorade logo on it, and so I figured maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, because nothing Gatorade makes is anything like a normal color, and some of it isn’t bad. But then I saw the name of this stuff:

“Fierce Grape”

Now, for my money, I say give me some peppy grape, or maybe something a little stronger like “heavy grape” or something. If I’m feeling spry I might go so far as “aggressive grape”. But even there, there are still a whole bunch of levels of grape you have to pass through before you get into the same ballpark as the grape that is called “Fierce Grape”. You leap straight past even “intimidating grape”, and even that is too rich for my blood. Certainly no human would consider introducing one’s innards to something more grapy than that, would they?

There’s just no real need for my grape to be fierce. What kind of person needs their grape to be fierce I wonder? Have people gotten so aggressively competitive in every aspect of their lives that now even their beverage of choice has to be somehow more kickass than everyone else’s?

Well, I’m now relaxing with a Poland Spring, and I’m staying away from the dangerous-looking drink in the back of the fridge with the chip on its shoulder.